I worry about the future. Recently, my Asthma has started acting up again, it has me kinda worried. It wasn't active for years, now it's active again, I hope.....I hope my asthma doesn't get to bad, I have a nebulizer, and that helps, but, I'm still worried. Worried that one day, it won't help, worried that one day, I might end up in a hospital bed with some machine hooked up to me to help me take even the smallest breath without coughing up a lung.
I'm kinda scared, my brother is in the next room, but, I don't know how to talk to him. Heh, it's kinda funny, I'm the older sibling, but, here I am talking about going to talk to him about stuff, where, it's usually the other way around. It's not just that that has me worried, I'm afraid of my life crashing down on my head. Bills keep coming, and they keep piling up, Yeah, we're able to take care of them. But, sometimes we aren't able to, sometimes, we end up missing paying a bill, and, well, like a while ago, our water got shut off cause we missed a payment. We got it back on, but, It took us 60 bucks to get it turned on. It may not seem like a lot to most of you, but with 60 bucks, I could have bought food or ammenities(Like toilet paper, paper towels, or maybe some more wash cloths and actual towels.) with that.
Then there's work, my bosses keep telling me, 'You should do this, you should do that, Do be late again or we'll send you back to the Workshop earning a piece rate(You get paid by how many matierials you get out, basically, the more you make, the more you earn, I was never got above 180 dollars on my pay checks while in the workshop.).' My coworkers aren't that much help either, I've got my girlfriend on one side and my, negative as hell, coworker on the other. If half the night is over all you hear out of him is 'I'm tired.' 'Is it time to go home yet?' 'When's break?' 'Can you do this for me?'. I then have to worry about my Girl friend, If I say the wrong thing, she gets mad at me, some times, I don't even know what the hell I said that made her mad in the first place. It worries me to no end.
AND now, I've missed a doctors appointment, my Psychiatrist appointment. A psychiatrist, boys and girls, is a doctor that prescribes medication to the mentally challenged so they can be stable. Every time a mentally challenged person goes to a Psychiatrist, he gives them a PERSCRIPTION TO BE FILLED AT A PHARMACY. I have some medication left, I just don't know if I have enough to last me until I see him again. If I can get another appointment with him, last time I missed an appointment, Oh god. I really hope he'll be able to see me before the month is out, I don't want to run out of my medication.
To top most of that off, my stepfather, whom was a rather large instrument in getting me to move out and become what I am today, died in October, my mother is still recovering from it. My brother is just fine and dandy with it. Me, I'm still learning to cope with it, yeah, I'm coping with it, just like I've been coping with the death of my grandfather, whom has been dead for at least 10 years now, my best friends, one whom committed suicide because of the pressures he had been put under, the other hit by a semi the driver had fallen asleep at the wheel.
Every day I get up, I mourn their deaths. Every day I get up, I expect there to be another bill that I'll have to work my ass off to pay. Every day I get up, I have to listen to the crap spilling out of everyone's fraking mouths. Why do I not stand up and say "FFF YOU ALL!" or something to that standing? Why do I not just take a sharp, serrated, bladed object and end my own life so that I don't have to suffer any more!? Why do I even care about any one in this life?!
Because I have to, that's why.
Because, with out me, I don't know, with out me, my brother wouldn't have any one to help him stand up when life shoves him onto his ass. With out me, my mom would've probably done something really stupid and ended her life. With out me, grandma wouldn't be around right now. and with out me, well, a lot of things would be different. A whole bunch of people, in this world, would probably have turned out different, I've done some stupid shit in my life, I've done stuff I'm not proud of, but, I know, if I'm not here, then no one's going to help those people. If I'm not here, no one's going to be able to help my brother stand up, If I'm not here, my mom would probably be some where else now. If I'm not here, my grandmother would probably be some where else now. If I wasn't here, right now, A lot of things would be different. I hope I leave some mark on you all, some distinguishing thing, that says.
You may be different, you may feel worthless, you may feel that the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders. But, just take a step back, take a few deep breaths, count to 10 missisippi, and look around you. You'll find that, yeah, your different but so is everyone else. You'll find that, your not worthless to those that care about you. You'll find that, your not alone in shouldering that weight, you have friends and family that will help you carry that load.
I hope that those of you out there, where ever you are, consider this something to believe in.
If you ever need a friend, I'll be here waiting. TTFN Ta Ta For Now.