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Author Topic: Bunnie Rabbot: Queen or Freedom Fighter  (Read 1395 times)

grox

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Bunnie Rabbot: Queen or Freedom Fighter
« on: June 20, 2010, 06:16:52 PM »

Enjoy this, I'm hoping that you all will give me some constructive criticism on this, or at least, give me your opinions on this.

   It was a normal morning in Knothole village for the cybernetic rabbit. Bunnie, had just woken up when she realized something. “Ta’day is mah birthday, Ah wonder what the gang has planned?” Giggling to her self, she went and cleaned up. There was a knock on the door to her hut. “Who is It?” yelled Bunnie from the shower. “It’s me Tails, I was told to tell you there is going to be a meeting in the war room in 2 hours, Ok?” Said the young Fox. “Al’right hun thanks for telling me.” Said Bunnie as she stepped out of the shower(Don’t ask me how she showers with out electrocuting herself, I don’t know.) She was expecting a response from Tails but there was none, she looked out from the bathroom in her hut and didn’t see Tails any where. “Huh, I guess he had more important things to do.” Bunnie said this to no one in particular as she went about getting dressed. [He didn’t even wish me a happy birthday either.] Bunnie thought this as she went to the Mess hall to get some breakfast before the meeting in the war room.
   As she entered the Mess hall she saw Antoine and Rotor finishing up their breakfast. “Hey yall, how was your mornin?” Said Bunnie with a glimmer of hope that at least some one would remember today is her birthday. “Tres terrible, I woke up wit a ‘eadache, mine showwer was too ‘ot, and to top it all off the eggs’ in ze Kitchen are runnier than a soggy croissant.” Said the french coyote, Antione. “Oh, stuff it Ant, I woke up with cramps in my back for working an all nighter on the new sensor array that’s going to be put up later this week. You would’nt belive how complicated it is to even try and create a sensor array that cant be traced by Robutnik.” Said the equally grumpy walrus Rotor. “Ah guess you all want to be left alone now don’t ya?” said Bunnie in tone of slight fear that they would lash out at her.
   â€œWee, zat would be most gratifying, if vou would.” “For once I have to agree with Ant, that would be most gratifying if you left.” Bunnie left them both alone for right now, she went and got her self a tray and some breakfast items that she enjoys eating. Eggs, Biscuits, Sausages, Carrot Juice, and a salad with pieces of carrots in it with Italian dressing. As she took a seat at a table, all the people already there got up and left. [What’s gottin’ in to them?] thought Bunnie as she started to eat her breakfast. The rest of the morning went like that, people just went out of their way to get out of her’s. Finally the time for the 0900 War room Meeting came around. Bunnie feeling mighty low, walked to the doors of the War room thinking [I should of just stood in bed today.]
   When she opened the doors, “Surprise!” their was everyone there with presents, cake, and Ice cream. “Bless my stars, Y’all did remember my birthday!” “Of course we wouldnt forget your birthday Bunnie.” Said Rotor. “Wee, we all just decided to give vou a party in secrecy, no.” “Ya, so come on Bunnie I think you should open presents first.” Said Sonic in his usual tone of voice. But, before anything happened Bunnie noticed one of Uncle Chucks Carrier pigeons. “Well, looks like Chuck decided to send me a little happy birthday message.” Said Bunnie as she went to the pigeon and took the note from it. As she read the message her face went from ‘This is the best day ever’ look to ‘I am so going to die’ look. “What? What did the message say Bunnie?” Said Sally.

Bunnie Rabbot, Tails, Antione, Rotor, Robotnik/Eggman, Sonic, Uncle Chuck, and Sally are all copyrighted by SEGA and Archie.
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Runix

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Re: Bunnie Rabbot: Queen or Freedom Fighter
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2011, 12:19:19 PM »

his may be resurrecting a dead topic, but i found your little tale quite interesting. First i must state up front that i prefer physical conflict over emotional, and i know that doesn't really apply here. Anyway, the story was good, and it obviously got what you needed it to do done. But somehow it feels like a nice little prologue to something bigger, something like an Endgame saga: Dr. Robotnik's launched his most heinous scheme to date and Bunnie's strength is required to stop him. you may have just been trying for a bit of comedy, but i suggest either building on that, Saying at LEAST what the message was, or removing the note entirely.

i should also mention single quotation marks (Like this: ' ) are recommended by some writers for containing thoughts, and the brackets just look kinda ugly. The third and final piece I'd like to give you is to develop the plot a little more. Now i don't mean you should make it an epic, but just putting your thoughts on the key events in the story down on paper can really help improve the story.

All in all i enjoyed the story, and i guess i've just learned too much about my craft to be silent. I'm sorry if i sound arrogant as it wasn't my intention, and i hope to see more from you someday.
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grox

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Re: Bunnie Rabbot: Queen or Freedom Fighter
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2011, 03:48:26 AM »

Thank you, your the first person to ever give me any advice what so ever since I began writing in like, 07 or 08. Thank you so much. Being completely honest, Thank you again for the advice.
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